mamahog 'n the lets

my own mother never told me that rule about always wearing good underwear in case of an emergency. even if she had i fear i would have failed. for me good underwear only generally happens if i'm 100% sure its going to be seen (nudge nudge wink wink oy oy! ;)) incidentally the comandolets seem to be following in my footsteps here as only the other day when their baba picked them up and threw one of them over his shoulder in a firemans grip they exposed themselves to the entire village in assos. when i said it might be better if she put on some knickers, the let in question looked at me confused and said "but why mummy? you aren't wearing any".
so anypanty, along with the embarrassments below, i have also been naked on istanbuls streets on no less than 3 occasions. the first was during the earthquake in '99. but since then, i have twice run out of my house starkers chasing pansy arsed robbers.

the first time was about 6 years ago while the ex was away in london doing telecine. i was alone in bed and fast asleep. i awoke to see a large figure bending over me. i grabbed the iron lamp from my bedside table and smashed the bastard in the side of the head with it, whilst screaming in a loud, deepened voice "kim ohhh?!!" (it means 'who are you?'... why i would lower my voice and ask such a stupid question is beyond me but it was pure instinct. i didn't actually think about ANYTHING until later).

the tosser sort of stumbled as i hit him and then turned and fled. i of course (madness) chased the fucker dragging the lamp and its cord (which ripped from the wall) after him.

i got about 100yards down the road before i remembered i was naked and scared and well, fucking confused frankly as to what i was doing in the bloody street with a lamp.

a similar thing happened last summer, here in my new house. only this time the logistics of the room made in impossible to attack with a lamp so instead i jumped up screaming "get the fuck out of my house you fucking arsehole piece of shit you fucking wanker!" very LOUDLY. i
chased him down the corridor through the salon doors and onto the balcony where he had to turn to climb down over the balcony railings to the ground 2 floors below. the awareness that i was naked came slightly earlier this time, right about the time he turned and looked at me as he started to climb, and i stopped briefly by my coat cupboard to try to put something on.
but when i realized he was getting away i just couldn't accept it so ran through to the balcony where i picked up a large metal candlestick and tried to HIT him. the smelly bastard stank of oil or something, you know that kind of mechanic smell? for some reason i felt like he'd infected my house, and thinking about my poor little babies asleep in the next room, i was determined to make the fucker SUFFER. i wanted momentarily to kill him. (i have no idea where this comes from mind you.... i'm quite easy going and forgiving generally. honest guv') but he saw me, and my weapon and he panicked and jumped and sort of dragged himself away.

once he'd gone i suddenly felt terrified. i locked all the doors, put on some clothes, called my friends and the police and lay clutching my kids. they amazingly and very luckily slept through the whole thing!

of course about 20 policemen came, left all the doors and windows open when they left and insisted that i go down the station straight after them (leaving the girls at home alone!!??? luckily my friends who had arrived said they'd babysit) so they could harass me for 2 hours about why i was in turkey and make me look at 3 suspects (all way to young, too tall, and dressed completely differently from my bloody perfect discription) while we all stood in the same room. more bloody scary than the ordeal itself. i had to apologize to the youths outside afterwards and assure them it was not me but the deaf dumb and blind police who had dragged them in so as they wouldn't come looking for me later!

i don't really want to give the impression that turkey is really scary actually. because its not. i mean any thief in blighty worth his salt when faced with a feisty naked bird would have behaved rather differently i'm sure. crack cocaine does make burglars slightly more confident generally i find.
(ooh and by the way the word is 'burgled' there is absolutely no reason to add 'arized' to it. ggggrrnnnnuuughh pet hate no. 3.)

so there you have it. fully nekkid keda. unillustrated i'm afraid ;) you will have to use your imagination. but you could always pick a pic from the hundreds below :) i think the screaming one would do. just lose the pearls.

Labels: hnt, istanbulundercover, questionable past lives, the wonderlets