mamahog 'n the lets

well fuck me fuji! my beloved camera went 'n dumped me one day into my holiday. it's apparently having difficulty focusing, and so refuses to perform at all!
yeah yeah! i've heard that one before. next thing i know when i try to turn him on he'll be telling me "it's not you, it's me"

it probably no longer loved my body. bloody fickle technology. that or it got annoyed i didn't blow on it enough to shift all the dust and sand, and got it drenched whist playing in the sprinklers.

either way these are the last pictures from a beautiful relationship. we give you the fabulets...

maybe he got jealous that i was so proud of the splashylets swimming without armbands in the sea that i just didn't play with him enough. he absolutely refused to record the momentous occasion. bugger's got complexes.

oh well. we had some good times my finepix and me. he will be missed. but being the equally fickle mistress i am i will replace him posthaste.
as soon as i can drum up some spondoolies.
wish me luck or there'll be scant pickings on the half nekkid hog front. i've been recommended to try e-bay... but internet dating is just not really my thing. (yet) so i'll be roaming the streets of istanbul searching for the perfect young whippersnapper.

happy hnt darlings. and i'll be back in front of a lens as soon as i can find a new firm bodied, reliable digital love thats happy to focus on me. because that's what it's all about of course ;)

remember the fuji fondly.. after all he was the one that brought us so much closer you and i.

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so... we are off again. or rather i am. the beachylets have already been down south for 3 days and i'm off to join them for a little bit of this..


and this...

and as we'll have my bestest oldest girlfriend and her marvelous son the angel gabriel in tow i may even get to do a bit of this...

before this happens...

and i end up drunkenly doing this....

in the gümüşlük sea.
toodlepip honeys ;)

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Labels: istanbulundercover, the wonderlets

my own mother never told me that rule about always wearing good underwear in case of an emergency. even if she had i fear i would have failed. for me good underwear only generally happens if i'm 100% sure its going to be seen (nudge nudge wink wink oy oy! ;)) incidentally the comandolets seem to be following in my footsteps here as only the other day when their baba picked them up and threw one of them over his shoulder in a firemans grip they exposed themselves to the entire village in assos. when i said it might be better if she put on some knickers, the let in question looked at me confused and said "but why mummy? you aren't wearing any".
so anypanty, along with the embarrassments below, i have also been naked on istanbuls streets on no less than 3 occasions. the first was during the earthquake in '99. but since then, i have twice run out of my house starkers chasing pansy arsed robbers.

the first time was about 6 years ago while the ex was away in london doing telecine. i was alone in bed and fast asleep. i awoke to see a large figure bending over me. i grabbed the iron lamp from my bedside table and smashed the bastard in the side of the head with it, whilst screaming in a loud, deepened voice "kim ohhh?!!" (it means 'who are you?'... why i would lower my voice and ask such a stupid question is beyond me but it was pure instinct. i didn't actually think about ANYTHING until later).

the tosser sort of stumbled as i hit him and then turned and fled. i of course (madness) chased the fucker dragging the lamp and its cord (which ripped from the wall) after him.

i got about 100yards down the road before i remembered i was naked and scared and well, fucking confused frankly as to what i was doing in the bloody street with a lamp.

a similar thing happened last summer, here in my new house. only this time the logistics of the room made in impossible to attack with a lamp so instead i jumped up screaming "get the fuck out of my house you fucking arsehole piece of shit you fucking wanker!" very LOUDLY. i
chased him down the corridor through the salon doors and onto the balcony where he had to turn to climb down over the balcony railings to the ground 2 floors below. the awareness that i was naked came slightly earlier this time, right about the time he turned and looked at me as he started to climb, and i stopped briefly by my coat cupboard to try to put something on.
but when i realized he was getting away i just couldn't accept it so ran through to the balcony where i picked up a large metal candlestick and tried to HIT him. the smelly bastard stank of oil or something, you know that kind of mechanic smell? for some reason i felt like he'd infected my house, and thinking about my poor little babies asleep in the next room, i was determined to make the fucker SUFFER. i wanted momentarily to kill him. (i have no idea where this comes from mind you.... i'm quite easy going and forgiving generally. honest guv') but he saw me, and my weapon and he panicked and jumped and sort of dragged himself away.

once he'd gone i suddenly felt terrified. i locked all the doors, put on some clothes, called my friends and the police and lay clutching my kids. they amazingly and very luckily slept through the whole thing!

of course about 20 policemen came, left all the doors and windows open when they left and insisted that i go down the station straight after them (leaving the girls at home alone!!??? luckily my friends who had arrived said they'd babysit) so they could harass me for 2 hours about why i was in turkey and make me look at 3 suspects (all way to young, too tall, and dressed completely differently from my bloody perfect discription) while we all stood in the same room. more bloody scary than the ordeal itself. i had to apologize to the youths outside afterwards and assure them it was not me but the deaf dumb and blind police who had dragged them in so as they wouldn't come looking for me later!

i don't really want to give the impression that turkey is really scary actually. because its not. i mean any thief in blighty worth his salt when faced with a feisty naked bird would have behaved rather differently i'm sure. crack cocaine does make burglars slightly more confident generally i find.
(ooh and by the way the word is 'burgled' there is absolutely no reason to add 'arized' to it. ggggrrnnnnuuughh pet hate no. 3.)

so there you have it. fully nekkid keda. unillustrated i'm afraid ;) you will have to use your imagination. but you could always pick a pic from the hundreds below :) i think the screaming one would do. just lose the pearls.

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Labels: hnt, istanbulundercover, questionable past lives, the wonderlets

i have a very good girlfriend, pel, who recently came back from a holiday where she was surrounded by windsurfing british people. they hung out, got pissed, ate pizza on the beach and spent nights telling each other their most embarrassing stories and laughing uproariously.

she however admitted to me that the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to her was tucking her skirt in her knickers once. she was embarrassed at her lack of embarrassing moments credentials. awww cute.

i will never suffer from that. even my junior school days would probably keep me red faced enough to last a lifetime.

i have however of course become progressively more of a plank with age. totally destroying my earlier faith, as a nipper watching charlies angels, that i would be sophisticated by the age of 30 at least.

those of you who've been here before and read about my pink peepee, my attempts at bikini waxing myself, the mouthylets announcing my pooing/peeing situation in restaurants and my toothless hag goth snogging can testify to that. but recently it seems to be an almost weekly occurrence that i do something which literally makes me want to wrap myself up into a mythical yoga pose and disappear into mine and the universe's nether regions for all eternity.

just 2 days ago i had to endure the pain of getting into yet another taxi with its compulsory surly driver and ask him at the meanylets request whether he liked my pretty dress or not.
the same evilets who last year while my top half was still in a taxi arguing over the money, pulled my skirt down to my ankles revealing my complete lack of underwear in the centre of the busiest town square.

but as i said.. weekly/daily occurrences those ones. the really bad ones generally involve people we know. and knowing or feeling at the time that you will never live it down.


another very old friend of mine reminded me the other day of his most embarrassing situation with me in attendance. and i behaved dreadfully.

he and his oldest friend lived above me in a flat in istanbul about 8 years ago. we had all gone for dinner locally and on the walk home he was jauntily skipping ahead of us (or that's how i remember it now.. he may have been walking perfectly normally but i doubt it). when suddenly he just disappeared. poof! gone. into thin air.(we'd had a couple of drinks i suppose). i began to, in a split second think the most likely scenario was spontaneous combustion, when as we got level with his last known location i heard swearing and saw his head level with my feet yet with no sign of his body.
he had skipped straight down into a wood cellar, which some thoughtless blighter had left uncovered. and was now desperately trying to pull his way out.
i of course did what any hysterical lunatic would do and guffawed so loud and long i was almost sick.
he was not amused.
at all.
(luckily i was amused enough for a small continent so laughter prevailed)
i couldn't stop. even when i knew i was very very wrong. even when i saw blood. its my hysterical instinct.



its not my fault. i do it when i hurt myself badly too. or when the poorinnocentdarlinglets get ouchies its been known. (luckily i can stifle that one by burying my head in their hair and pretending i'm sobbing with them.. for shame)
anyway. i couldn't stop cackling and he stormed off in a rage and went home.
i did take him up what paltry medical supplies i could find in my house once i'd washed my face and hard stern words with myself in the mirror. but as i remember it my pathetic though genuine offer to play nursey was refused. he had already put iodine on it and was unamused so i buggered off home.
he ribbed me for weeks for being such a heartless beast. and as his lathed legs did look bloody awful for weeks
i almost learnt my lesson.

until he mentioned it again last week and admitted that for 2 weeks he was accidentally putting cough syrup on the wound believing it to be some iodine based heal-all.
at which i guffawed anew.

this story of course reminds me of my most cringeworthy moment of stupidity. the one i felt the keenest.

the time i fell over in the sculpture studio at art school right in front of the man of my dreams (fashion and date specific) with my hands so far down in the pockets of my oshkosh dungarees that i couldn't save myself and hit the floor with
my chin. it was his fault! the bastard was always whittling these mad people out of huge trunks of wood and flicking bits of debris which had the effect of a billion ball bearings under my stupid travel fox trainers.
i had to wriggle my way up, as i couldn't get my bloody hands out. it seemed to take an eternity, during which time he just looked at me like i was a complete imbecile with his face screwed up. and finally, as i hauled myself up, he half heartedly asked if i was "alright". to which i, devastated, replied "Fuck Off" and ran away.
he was of course really really super nice to me always after that. but as i could never tell if it was out of pity or fear of my lunacy, and as i was afraid of swearing again for no good reason i never stopped to converse. oh good times
those college years.


anyplonker. as i'm hoglet free for a day i can't blame anything that happens in the next 20 hrs or so on them. maybe i can try sophistication for a day or so. but as i'm going out with the big girls for drinks starting with cocktails at 7.30 i somehow doubt it.
so just in case i'll don knickers, flat(ish) shoes, no pockets and i'll keep my eye on the ground at all times. despite the drink.

but just in case...ISTANBUL!! BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES. and shut the cellar doors.



ps. i couldn't find any really embarrassing pictures of me to illustrate this post..none that aren't slightly pornographic at least, and you are NOT getting them ;) though i'm sure my darling family and friends could supply some safe-for-work horrors, i appear to accidentally and totally inexplicably burnt all mine. honest gov' . so these ones of the voguelets will have to do. as i've said before, thank god we (as a family) are pretty :#) they are so like me. poor buggerlets.












*and yes i do have a therapy-for-the-lets-and-their-future-problems-with-their-mum fund.

ooh here's one!















:#)

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Labels: istanbulundercover, questionable past lives, the wonderlets

this ancient land rover's air con finds 42˚c hard to cool. so we gave up and let the wind blow. and our arms and legs tan during the rides :)


until we came back from our lovely, lovely trip to find there's still no ceasefire. all is still shit with the real world.

thank goodness my children are still breathing and lively enough to play carefree in the sea and sprinklers and grass and ancient ruins rather than more modern ones.

and some photos are posted right here for anyone who wants to see the starkerlets frollicking in the sunshine of their youth.
(i have posted a jollier sequence of sprinklets pictures at a photoblog site with -i think- quite an interesting theme. fyi ;))

happy hnt darlings. lets hope, for all its worth in these sad times.
see the sidebar if you have no idea why my legs are an issue.

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ok, so let me get this straight....

we live in a modern secular country. a lot like lebanon. though we have less christians here probably. the government here has 'issues'. as does my home government (blair i am shouting at YOU). and turkey luckily enough hasn't been invaded by anyone (except english teachers) in the last 30years so our infrastructure just about works.

now can anyone explain to me why the lebanese children get this..


while we get this...



the pkk. al-Qaida. the ira. the illegal and immoral war on iraq. the Hezbollah. the zionist murder of civilians going on right now.

we all have our crosses to bear. (see the irony in that?)

when will we, all of us, stop hiding behind our dead children and our various religions, and start blaming our own nationalistic power/money grabbing murderous hate mongers? when will we be grown up enough and open minded enough to see through our nationalism and love for our neighbours, and start criticizing ourselves?
when will we take responsibility for our murder of not only our foreign brethren, but of the way we martyr our own forces, who we throw out there into the firing line and force to kill in our names?

and when will we begin to realize that only by the grace of god go i? and that this lebanese child could tomorrow be mine?

because if this is allowed to go on, it will be.
how much is loveday's life worth to you?
how much is yashi's?

because it's close you know. and our worth, all our lives worth's become eroded more each day.
we can always say "it's not my fault. they started it!"

who's brave enough to stop it?
because this time, it's neither of my children's fault.


but hey, we've got to be free to retaliate!

"POOOOOF!!"

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Labels: istanbulundercover, rantlets, the wonderlets

its time to move our dancing feet.


it's time to get off the steaming hot balcony, and down to the beach.
via the garden.



so, my darling far away friends, i will be busy lying about, lizard spotting, collecting and painting rocks and driftwood. making up stories, and rejoicing that i have easy girly twinlets rather than riotous (though yummy) boylets. playing with some beloved friends and wondering how on earth i got brave enough (or stooopid enough) to spend 6 hours each way in a car and 4 days with my ex husband. DAMN i must love my kids :) (and said friends!)

so i'll be mac'less and maidless for 5 days. and worse than that even, i'll be plus one rather difficult and thankthelordEX hubby. pray i survive the withdrawal. and the addition.
"the lets 'll love it, the lets 'll love it, the lets 'll love it..." is the new 'OM'.

and i will read. and relax. and eat drink and be merry in the sun.
(ooh and happy birthday today to my even more beloved sisterlet rosalie. we loves ya babe!!!)

i will miss you all. but i'ma get bronzed and refreshed. inshallah!

see you later darlings, and feel free to talk amongst yourselves.

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Labels: hnt, the wonderlets